Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
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Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Myers-Briggs is just astrology for men. Sorry, that was a Pisces thing for me to say.
this is uni
Its true…
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps