Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

It do be feeling this way.

All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.

At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.

People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

“I have to poop”

~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do

Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat

Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply

YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*

ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*

I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in

Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled

Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.

You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?

Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut

In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?

9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.

Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?

9: what?

Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?

9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!

Me: are you nervous?

9: stop!!!

I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.

At ease

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.