ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Wife: WHERE IS THE PACK OF HERSHEY BARS I WAS GOING TO USE FOR S’MORES
Me [mouth full, face covered in chocolate]: we wer gunna haf smors?!
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few