ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
i- i did not expect this
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
not seeing the problem
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.