Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!

Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing

oh u like history? name everything that happened

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.

Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.

*roving gang of doctors walk past house*

*feral teacher crashes through window*

I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*