Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

Maybe your dog is barking at my luggage because he doesn’t enjoy his job, officer.

PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic

“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking

Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.

Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.

Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.

Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.

With the right amount of pressure I can make my forehead look like a brain – could be useful

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.

*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”

“Let’s not fight.”

Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.

Me: *makes new sandwich*

Kid: This one has too little.

Me: *makes one just right*

Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:

“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”

My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…

*pizza dough plops on head*

I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.

Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.

if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”

Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working

Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?

Son:

Me:

Son: Where’s mom?

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.