Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

So how much budgie food do you actually want?…

My 11yo got a hold of the grocery app, and apparently we need 50 bags of wings.

If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.

why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

Tired: Clapping when the plane lands

Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis

who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?

(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday

There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.

I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

*reads your mind*

*decides to wait for the movie*

I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.

No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

me: so where do you go to school

new babysitter: It’s private

me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone