Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.

Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.

Interviewer:

Me: And neither wears pants

Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

my favorite maggie smith movie will always be hook, which she played at 56 years old but the makeup was so good it confused an entire generation of people when she just kept looking the same or better for the next 3 decades

Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.

Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?

Her: [Completely ignores me]

Me: Knew it!

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?

”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT

Did you know Lysol kills 99.9% of germs & my toothpaste has tartar control? You would too if you sat in my bathroom without your phone.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

*writing dating profile*

Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…

Friend: Oh strong start

Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…

Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing

Me: …bitter and makes you poop…

Friend: *unplugging my wifi*

YES

YES

YES

YES

YES

-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house

THEM: Hey–

ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.

THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”

ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.

Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.

*exercises sarcastically*

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?