Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

* overheard at the bar *

Becky: so what do you do?

Him: I’m a beekeeper

Ecky: you astard!!!!

[Breaking up]

It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

Going back in time, y’all need anything?

Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.

MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.

Her: oh my god i’m so wet

Me: have you tried putting it in rice?

i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Blockbuster: 😭 yes

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen

WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.

“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”

I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome