ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Based Erika
One venti cheeseburger please.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
My soulmate is probably out there, wondering if there’s life on earth
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course