ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
there was another, tinier cement truck inside
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years