ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
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Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It