Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.

[road trip]

Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-

Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE

nobody:

4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.

🤣😂🤣😂

Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

[daughter going on a date]

ME: I want her back at 9

DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22

ME: you were cuter at 9

When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no

[bean naming]

Angel: okay, this one?

God: it’s black, so black bean

A: and this?

G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!

A: k, and this one?

G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!

A: … dude, you alright?

ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”

thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Daughter: Anyone there?

Ouija Board: S P O T

Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm

Ouija Board: N O

ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

Me, one day after taking the new blood test that tells you if you’re an idiot or not: science is actually really overrated.

I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.

nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[5 minutes later]

me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet

“No, it’s not me” 😂💀

I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.

My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk

my boss: how are you late to work again

me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away