Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender

Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.

Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it

Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?

Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.

She bought me eye drops.

If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?

-Summer

Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.

Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.

Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?

Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!

AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”

ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory

ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole

Torturer: just tell me what I need know

Me: NEVER

Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*

Me: OKAY I’ll talk

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions

Friend: have you ever been to Norway?

Wife: sadly no.

Friend: why not?

Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.

Me: that’s not what I said.

Wife:

Friend:

Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.

drew a comic about my origin story

The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”

no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart

Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.