Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music Royalty Succession Chart

Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot

Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run

Armadillo: Go on without me

Snake: no just-

Armadillo: @

Snake: Wait where the hell are you

Armadillo: @

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Me: I’m Absolutely broke

State of the art tech advertisers who know every single detail of my life: She needs the nicest most expensive bag ever! Oh and Taylor Swift tickets, at 3 times the original price!

#wtfuture

You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.

hmmm

I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.

Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.

Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.

Boss: ….?

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.

Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.

I 100% subscribe to this philosophy

her: do carrots help your eyesight

me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.

wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

I’m not embarrassed.

I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.

(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)

Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.

I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:

Heyyyy Macarena.