It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
“What color was it?” – Guy that stole your lighter.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask
Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?