ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
You Might Also Like
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Remember folks 😂
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?