@doktorj

ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?

Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.

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@aspaul

I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.

@squirrel74wkgn

*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*

@buttnight

migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field

@riverpig12

Cats get a pass bc they’re “Cleaning themselves”. Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!

@trevso_electric

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

@Brampersandon_

ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME (inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk): I thought u’d never ask

@AGreaterMonster

Thinking about implanting a magnet in my chin so I can make a badass beard of iron filings and paper clips. More attractive, yes?