ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
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Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
How is it still this week?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
When customer service said the wait time was approximately 278 minutes, I wasn’t sure if they were trying to get me to hang up or they were going into RENT the Musical.
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.