Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
You Might Also Like
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me: