Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
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Police charged me with postmeditated murder because I meditated first.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
Made friends w a child at the stingray tank at the aquarium, we were equally apprehensive ab touching the stingrays & then he said “I’ve been here before for school” & I said “wow, is it just like you remember it?” & he pointed to one specific stingray & said “yeah he was here”
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Geez man, take it easy.
When my kids don’t feel well: You should drink water.
When I don’t feel well: I should eat chips.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks