ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
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Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
#math
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon