ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
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*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.