Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

Me: You said pick the kids up

Wife: OUR KIDS

Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense

this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.

I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.

My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.

I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.

You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.

Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one

Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.

Academic paper protip:

end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”