Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

Thanks, Facebook, for reminding me that on this very day back in 2012 I used a stick of butter to grease the 3 year old’s trapped legs from a bunk bed ladder.

Parenting is fun.

No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.

Eve: Wrong hole!

Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know

If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?

I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

He was a koi.

She was a squirrel.

Can I make it any less obvious?

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

5 ways to appear taller

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁

3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:

1. She’s silent.

2. She’s yelling.

3. She acts the same.

4. She acts different.

5. She murdered you.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did