Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister

My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

*gets up off bed*

*puts pants back on*

Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?

every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.

[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]

Can you believe this shit

“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

Me: A storm is coming

My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.

University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny

[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”

That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.

I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]

If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.