[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
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“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Can’t believe it’s 2024 and the only options napkin dispensers offer are one shredded napkin or 20 napkins.
Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
Today is International “Hug Your Cat” day. Which means tomorrow is International “Band-aid and Neosporin” day.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian