Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

I was telling my daughter that she doesn’t need to take everyone’s opinion into account and said “like if (person) told me I am a bad mom, I wouldn’t really care because—“

My 6 year old: IF SOMEONE CALLED YOU THAT I WOULD HIT THEM IN THE FACE

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No

Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.

I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.

I have never related to a cat more

Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.

My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.

Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*

I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me

DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”

[blind date]

HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart

ME {trying to impress her}: blood

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?