[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
You Might Also Like
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
no way 😭
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes
Mom: let’s not talk like that
Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
this is the best day of my life