Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing

When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”

I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.

They are so full of themselves.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.

I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives

My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”

*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately

[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing

[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.

Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.

Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.

Her: While you’re just laying there?

Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Anyone else having a near life experience today?

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.

Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..

This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10

Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer

I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁