Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old

GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations

MOSES: no way

GOD: yahweh

MOSES: ok so what is it

Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.

[in HR]

We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado

… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky

My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now

You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

Live, Laugh, Love

Leer, Lunge, Lactate

Do things that start with L

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

[Gets shot by mugger]

Girl walks by: omg are u ok?

I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?