Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Celine DiOn

*claps twice*

Celine DiOff

Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing

When i get an oil change & they show me the oil stick thing like… ok???😭😭

[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*

Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]

27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!

Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search

Dentist: please stop

[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS

wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE

Wins the Internet today. Night, all…

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices

Me: You want some cereal?

2 year-old: Yay cereal!

Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

2: Yay cinnamon crack!

Me: Ok-wait, what??

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

Principal: about your son…

Dad: our son?

Mom: is he ok??

Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.

[Betty enters with cooler parents]

No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory

*looks hard af*

*pukes polaroid*

There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives

If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

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😤😤

Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??