Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

*gets served divorce papers during the reception*

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.

Me: I missed you

Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet

Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)

me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?

satan: yup

me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway

satan: you got it

me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?

Whoa 😂

I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when i say it’s bed time.

The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-

God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.

Worm: I mean that’s fair.

[Centipede crawls by]

Worm:

God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.

it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here

If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.

And brother, it’s starting to rain.

I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.

Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim

YOU DON’T KNOW

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)