Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

*buys a 3D printer*

*prints a 3D printer*

*returns 3D printer for a refund*

Just show up everyday and be consistent.

Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.

Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.

Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”

People with no volume control stress me out.

I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.

*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance

Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.

2….

That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.

[At the store]

Me: Where are your masks?

Kids: We didn’t bring them.

Me: Why not.

Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.

by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

6: I want to grow my hair longer.

Me: Oka—

6: So I can bite it.

Me:

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.

Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

“OMGJK” -atheists