[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
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I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Me as a therapist: omg same
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”