Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!

Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce

I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

is this meant to deter me

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

me: i love pillow talk

pillow: hello

me: what the hell

ㅤ

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.

as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel

Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

ME: we should do this agai-

DATE: im busy that day

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures

Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.

Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.

“Same place you do,” she said.

“No, seriously-”

“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”

When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.

[doctor hands my wife our newborn son] congratulations

my wife: do u want to hold him

me: yes [picking him up and gently cradling him until i start to cry] wow. he’s so precious

doctor: put me down

Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.