Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-

Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.

My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.

I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.

Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers

H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep

I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer

When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young

Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok

What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner

I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce

Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman

My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

*offers Batman cough drops*

Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”

not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh

superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early

man: is that a bird?

The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.

Mom: Take out the trash

*I take the trash on a lovely date*

Mom: Not what I meant

*I assassinate the trash in an ally*

Mom: Still wrong