Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.

Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.

Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not

What

We

Eat.

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand

when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas

Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!

I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.

Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.

Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously

Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.

[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.

Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”

Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants

[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]

That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”

Let’s walk barefoot on grass!

-People who have never walked a dog

Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,

You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos

What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work

I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*

Saturday

Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.

Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.