“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
True story: The tweets of a guy I follow that are always talking about Victorian people started making a lot more sense when I realised he lives in Victoria, Australia.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate