Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.

Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?

Only in case of fire?

Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.

I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.

It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna

target is planning to open full bars in their stores. my wife will never come home now.

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!

Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know

I’m the Usain Bolt of running late

[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.

The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.

My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”

Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.

My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.

When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?

BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho

MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

goldfish mafia

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.