“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
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I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back