[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
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me: *pretending to know about vegetables to impress the cashier* corm is one of my favorite yellows
*gingerly taps banana*
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Lmfaoooooo
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what