Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.

Boss : If you are late again you are fired.

Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.

I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.

What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.

Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?

Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.

[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]

my phone: spam risk

Discuss

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!

Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.

[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

Have a lovely day 😊

What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.

[in bed]

gf: I thought we could experiment with toys

me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.

[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]

“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”

All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.

I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.

*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.