No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
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[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack