Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.

*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot

Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

[Eating wings]

Pilot: This is a bad idea

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!

It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword

*while scrolling Facebook

I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!

*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church