Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.

[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters

Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there

Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:

1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed

“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”

Drunks & toddlers.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.

When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.

I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill

deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)

Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..

Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.

Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.

Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?

Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.

Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.

My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”

Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.

“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

Why don’t you sing about it?

– Walt Disney as a therapist

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.