Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
You Might Also Like
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
incredible