Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
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I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
Guide to being Batman
1 Lose parents. Inherit everything
2 Let people get murdered
3 Never murder the Joker because he’s the best at puns
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?
Gift wrap? Why not!
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision