Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.