Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
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[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
stand with me against insufficient seating
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
bout dat hot dog summer
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??