Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

Thinking about a snail with a limp

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

PLEASE READ

True?

4: *hands me a broken toy*

Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it

4: ok but be careful next time

Me:

I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.

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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

Me: hi

Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

It’s tough getting user casket reviews

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?

How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?

Using a Luigi board!

my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?

i am not “quiet quitting” i am suffering from third-degree burnout

Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”

Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”

Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”

Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”

The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me