Erm…
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Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Don’t do drugs, kids.
The extra demand will drive up the price for the rest of us.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
I’m trying to write.
My wife is pounding with a hammer in the garage.
I’m trying to write.
The dog is barking at the hammer noise.
I’m trying to write.
Kids next door are playing football and screaming “Omaha! Omaha!”, apparently their next big play.
…I’m trying to write.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.