Erm I’m gonna say no
You Might Also Like
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
Witnessing me making friendly small talk with a new mom at drop-off this morning, my son:
“Mommy why do you keep laughing at things that aren’t funny?”
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
I have no idea what is happening here but it is the best thing I’ve seen today!
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE