Erm I’m gonna say no
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Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue