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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
another case of gang violins
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Can’t, holding a grudge
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.