ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.