ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
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Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
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My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.