Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*

Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.

Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*

NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong

I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.

mugger: *points gun* your money or your life

me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix

mugger: no i mean-

me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital

I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.

Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.

if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat

YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

𝗦𝗵𝗼𝗿𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝗲𝗺𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝘄𝗮𝗿𝗱𝘀

so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas

I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.

I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.

£900 pound for an iPhone 6?

Airplane mode better take me on holiday

You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.

When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.

Placation.

Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please

Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99

Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart

Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?

Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here

When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!