Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest

Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account

Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password

Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot

Me: ok ok

Computer: What was the name of your first dog?

Me: oh no

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.

“I enjoy long walks…”

-Zombies

My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.

Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.

establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

Me: Thanks for helping me move.

The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-

Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-

[The Rock gets crushed]

-paper…

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.

I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes

EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?

BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.

Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”