Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

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My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.


You’d give your life for me? Your life sucks what else you got?


People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old


Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.


[10mins from now]

..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..


I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.


Anytime I see a happy white couple in their 30’s sitting in front of a laptop, I just assume they are filming a credit score commercial.


“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online


This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”