@krissywillbretz

[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.

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@bea_ker

EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer

@HousewifeOfHell

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

@Cyberbunbun

who👏replaced👏my👏space👏bar👏with👏a👏clapping👏emoji👏I👏need👏to👏finish👏my👏papers👏tonight👏please👏help👏me

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

@randypaint

him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me:
him:
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen

@Tmoney68

Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.

@LosLos__

I love doing crunches.

*crunches Doritos*
*crunches popcorn*

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@bourgeoisalien

[overheard in my son’s room]

His friend: You’re Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.