EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
*Throws Pizza party
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
him: the name is bond
me: oh ok that’s easy lol
him: james bond
me: [worried] is…is there more should i get a pen
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
I love doing crunches.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
[overheard in my son’s room]
His friend: You’re Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.