Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.

Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.

“No screens allowed.”

On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.

“This is your mother now.”

Everyone stop over reacting!

There was no Earthquake….

I slipped in the shower, these things happen…

Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.

hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room

38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out

“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*

Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone

… Eau DeTroit …

#RejectedPerfumeNames

Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .

[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.

Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.

[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos

the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*

Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”

18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”

28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”

A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.

Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”

Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*

White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE