[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
How your email finds me
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.