Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.

Stages of home cleanliness:

1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.

“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”

Priest: “It’s because of the moon”

Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”

Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”

just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”

ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…

can’t talk my ride’s here

i- i did not expect this

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*

Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.

My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”

I might be drinking too much…

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

That worked out so much differently in my head.

– an autobiography

A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.