Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I just bought a Goodyear blimp.

Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.

*meets someone who’s really into politics*

Wow, I wish I was dead.

to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors

While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.

I’m sorry…what?

Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH

[Last day of school for the year]

Kids: Yay!

Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!

*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!

If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park

4: How do you spell no?

Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?

4: Batman?

(Spelling is hard)

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar

ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you

Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.

1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”

I forgot to turn my clocks back and omg you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

wake up babe a new cause of homosexuality just dropped

I once asked for their policy on afternoon naps at a job interview.
…turns out they don’t like that.

*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*