Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind

Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

who wore it better?

wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

[after an argument]

me: *scribbling on a paper*

him: what’s that? what are you writing?

me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing

Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.

I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Husband made a meme about our baby’s reaction every time he sees the cat

smh

It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?

CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

You think you’re ageing well and then you feel an earlobe hair blowing in the wind

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?

I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.

Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?

Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”

[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!