*ernest hemingway voice*
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Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.