*ernest hemingway voice*
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his wife is probably gonna see that
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
They’re really bad with fonts.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
My life coach traded me.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
felt that
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed