*ernest hemingway voice*
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I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
serving silly goose instead of turkey
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Not with that attitude
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert