Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
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Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
mechanics be like