‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
just arby’s bein’ a bro
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
My husband reached for his black hat from the hats and gloves basket that we keep by the front door, except it was the cat.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*