‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
You can get out of a TSA pat-down much faster if you keep whispering the word “slower” in the agent’s ear.
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
TV doctor: You need to eat colourful foods for their vitamins and antioxidant properties
Me, eating a bowl of Skittles: *high fives myself
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.