‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
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“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Not now. I’m deglazing.
I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.
When your office brings in lunch for everyone, how long should you wait after eating it before you go ahead and eat the sandwich you brought from home too? Is it two hours? I think it’s two hours.
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
they should make a thing that holds your tweet that you typed up for 27 minutes and then sends it to you and you have to affirm you actually want to post that thing you typed up 27 mins ago
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started a little early.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.