escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
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Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Anyone really
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.