Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.

If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

ME: *stands by the window*

ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.

wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

[highspeed chase]

ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*

[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]

“You want me to do what?!”🤣

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…

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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.

Can’t believe anyone would attack this place

My physician didn’t find this amusing…

What do you call a veterinarian who’s only good enough to treat one species? A Doctor.

son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn

Black Friday “markdowns” like

Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life

*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!

me when i get home: crackers

I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them

Husband:

this chia pet tastes awful