Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever