Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
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[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.