Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
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The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
if i had a frisbee team, our name would be Panic! At The Disc Throw and we would qualify for the regional finals and hi 5 the shit out of everyone
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
How can you tell baby kangaroos apart when they’re all named Joey?
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
JESUS: so I’m u
GOD: yes
JESUS: and ur me
GOD: yes
JESUS: I don’t get it
GOD: I do
JESUS: how can one of us get it & not the other
GOD: whoa
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.