Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
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9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
